Lovely Day
Today so far has been a wonderful day.
I got my grades back from this semester... The ramblings and the long nights actually paid off--- I got a B+ in my International Arms trade class (which is miraculous b/c I really did not know what in the world was going on) and, brace yourself, a solid
A in my Comparative Intel Course! Wow!!!! I'm SOOO excited! I'm extremely happy about this! I cannot believe I cut it so close to the deadline that I did so well on those final papers! I'm ESTATIC!!
Also, today, I went to the Washington Humane Society to adopt a cat. I was going to get a cat that spoke to me and I found him. He's ADORABLE... he's a shorthair/siamese mix, 8 months old and has Pantene Pro-V like silky black hair. Beautiful. The poor thing has a little cold which should clear up in a couple of days (all of which will be done by the time he comes into the house!). His name is Ricky (I didn't name the kitty). BUT, I decided his full name will be:
Richard Wagner Montgomery. (You can add "The Third" or "Esq" if you wanna to make it sound more official!) I must give props to the
Humane Society-- they really do the best they can to make sure that the homes that these kitties go to is all good. I should be getting a home visit pretty soon. I hope I pass! :)
Alright-- gonna clip out some catfood coupons! YES!!!
State of Love, Part TWO
OK, I don't know about my generation but there are some times when I don't think I can hang with what is going on or the rules of hooking up and stuff like that. The rules that you may have more than one boyfriend, one in each state, one just in case, one on the side who just likes to shop with you, blah blah blah. Frankly, I'm at the point to where it's all just a bunch of baloney (bolonga) whatever-- it's crap.
OK, don't get me wrong-- I understand what's at stake here when you look at the alternative of such casual dating: you risk getting your heart broken or, even worse, having the other person know that your heart was broken. And I understand that I'm in my 20s, why get bogged down and serious, etc? It's completely impractical--- and as a serious Capricorn, 'impractical' is DEFINITELY not in my vocabulary.
But, damn it, this is where I have to live up to who I am and realize that I am my mother's child and that I am what I am: I'm a romantic at heart. It's so corny, it's sad, some may see it as a weakness I'm admiting, but I'm suffocating in my own self-denial. (And Chopin would be disappointed in me if I didn't own up to it).
There, I said it.
Have you ever wanted to be HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE? What the hell is wrong with that? Why don't I see that anymore? I don't see anyone who really cares or gives a hoot about another person's feelings. It's interesting that no one wants to be alone at the end of the day, but no one wants to try to care for another person. What kind of horse poop is that? That's such a contradition of actions right there. There are better ways to emotionally protect yourself!
In some e-mail that I got, one of the good quotes were: "To achieve great love or great achievement, it takes great risk" or something to that effect. Anyone who doesn't want to do this is a big punk. Yes, I said that too. You're a huge punk if don't take these risks for LUV or personal achievement (which in turn may be LUV!). You're a punk and a sheep.
Now, I'm not saying go out there and choose any schmoe and get hurt and stay in an abusive relationship-- there's a lot of practical motions that one would take that are foregone conclusions in this blog. But I feel that much would be gained if folks wear their hearts on their sleeves just a little bit more.
That's just my intepretation of the situation.
So, now what should I do?
Ok, I just got off of that gawd-awful night shift. I'm WIDE awake on a Wednesday morning, tried to IM a buddy but he conviniently signed off (it's way past a normal person's bedtime anyway), and I just finished watching an amazing movie, Woman, Thou Art Loosed, and debating whether to watch that Stephen King joint, the Dead Zone or to read a Stephen King joint, "The Library Policeman" which is getting REALLY good.
Ah, I think some Baileys and watching the Dead Zone might be a lovely combo... esp after eating some Manny and Olga's pizza sub..... uuuuuuuuggggggghhhh. I don't know what's scarier--- the Stephen King joints or what I"m going to look like in the morning... OOW!! :)
Grown Up?
Remember the days of freshman year of college when a bunch of kids got together to see what life REALLY was about? To discuss that some religions are absolutely awesome and others are just misguided? To deconstruct the different ways in which racism is definitely institutionalized? Those days when Plato was thoroughly discussed or whether Kant's theory of democratic peace was actually true? Man, we were truly introspective back then.
But now as a 24 year old, can I still do that? I definitely have the brain matter to absorb and articulate. Do I really want to anymore? No, not really. Does this make me any less smarter? Absolutely not. If anything, I'm smart to steer clear of these conversations if they occur on a frequent basis.
Here's my reasoning. Discussions take time. Thinking, also, takes time. But going to work, going to grad school and maintaining a social life also take time.
I have realized that I now prefer talking about the OC, pop culture or gossiping about folks at work with my friends from work and other places (even from college). I resisted it a lot when I first graduated from college because I believed that we all should be having such intellectual conversations. Nonstop. All the time. Just like in college. I mean, we're older and more mature than the kids in college, we can definitely keep this momentum, right?
Wrong.
One reason is that, I'm a figuring out, is that there's so much I'm learning about myself that I would prefer to keep to myself as it takes a lot of energy to describe to other people. And it takes a lot of time to find people who really care about your description of yourself. A lot of this intellectualism that was once used to share with others about the circle of life should not be used to preach to others or to show what I know, but to actually find my own weaknesses and strengths; figure out why certain things have triggered such a negative reaction in me; figure out what I really want to do with my life without the noise of others' opinions and philosophies ringing in my head. And to not develop any form of self-conscious because I don't know what "post-post existentialism-ist" means. (That's soooo sophmore year. Who the hell cares now?) I have the brain matter to analyze a lot of this stuff... but what I have learned is that I need to do this for myself.
That takes A LOT out of me. Don't let anyone lie to you and tell you that it doesn't take a lot of of them either. So when I'm with people, I want it to be light, comforting and friendly. No battle of the wits are needed. It is clearly assumed that we all have the same capacity to have thoughts, think things and analyze them, recall facts, read things and regurgitate them. Overall, we are smart people.
This takes me back to a conversation I had with some college buddies this past evening. I told them I am a part of the Kickball league here at Adams Morgan. As goofy as it sounds, and they gladly tried to make fun of it, it's really a great relief from the regular hustle and bustle of a work day. And as much as I like myself (or convince myself that I do), I feel that it's a great way to be around people who are really cool... you'll meet at least one new really cool person everytime you play. Folks from work that I consider really good friends are a part of it and we have a blast. Our bond may not run as long as my other ones with other friends from high school or college, but they seem to be just as deep... it's quite interesting...
Don't get me wrong-- a good debate or a good rehashing of the realist theory of how the world should go is very intriguing and is encouraged. But on a weekly basis is quite questionable.
This is what gets me thinking-- is this (other than kickball) what grown ups really do? Has my perspective changed like it should? After checking in with reliable sources that are over the age of 35, it seems to be right on track...
Wow... I don't wanna see what 26 looks like, then! :)
Grandma was Right!
I was at a cool store on U Street today and started reading this book of poems/songs/lyrics written by Alicia Keys. I do have to say that she's growing on me more and more. It's undeniable that the girl has got a lot of soul and she sings really well. And the fact that she plays the piano is a huge plus in my book. But I'm really feeling a lot of what she has to say. And in her Introduction, I saw that what she was revealing was her real soul and all of it.
I was shocked to see that a performer of her stature and her natural talent still felt vulnerable and insecure and overall inadequate--- but the fact that she was able to let me, a mere Washingtonian just stumbling into a store know something like this is, to me, remarkable.
It goes to show: Grandma was right... Even the most beautiful, the most talented, the most whatever still have insecurities. No matter how much reassurance they get, there's some uncertainty or just creeping thought that someone out there just doesn't like them.
The natural question (to Alicia) would be "So What??? You make millions and that schmoe over there ain't got jack! Who cares what he thinks????"
To some extent, we should be asking ourselves the same things--- "Who cares if Suze in the Africa Division doesn't like me? Who cares what so and so says about me?"
We all do it. We all feel it. It comes down to a contradition in human nature: we all want to do our own thing, be individualistic but want it be normal enough for everyone else to like us or at least assure us that we're ok in doing what we want to do. It's impossible to do. It's impossible to please EVERYBODY. And this is when you have to fight this battle: the battle of being yourself at risk of losing people you were (or are) friends with or being like everyone else at the risk of losing your own integrity and disappointing yourself.
The easy answer, of course, is to be yourself and do what's right for you. But is that really it? You really run the risk of feeling as if what is right for you isn't enough for other people to think it's OK. It really hurts when you think about it as it is completely stifling and, in the truest and non-offensive sense of the word, retarding. This is where the insecurities and feelings of inadequacy come from. And, really, overall, it's our own faults sometimes. (No offense, Miss Keys).
Seriously. I can only give my own examples. Example: About 6 months ago, I was talking to one of my friends about career choices. Now, she has been job-hopping and at that point, she was at job number 4 since we graduated from college which, at that time, had been about 1.5 years. She was thinking about what job she wanted to do at that point and whether she wanted to go to grad school or not. I never judged-- she had a place to stay and food to eat and a place to wash her clothes so I figured that she was good to go. These were her choices and this was her life and she never really complained. She seemed to like what she was doing at the time, so, who cares what anyone thought?? Then she said the weirdest/almost-insulting thing to me: "Well, when I look at your life, Stanli, I just look at it as boring. I mean, you just have had one job since we graduated, you're doing the grad school thing too, which makes it a lot more boring... and you haven't left the city since you were raised here, went to school here and now you still work here and you live here. No, I'm going on a different path."
Now, mind you, her comparing my life to hers had NOTHING to do with any form of the conversation. But it hurt, I have to say. (And it still does just a little when I think about it too much). Immediately, it made me feel really inadequate as if I had no depth or just one of those people who live in towns and just never leave--- one of "those" people who just have no worldly perspective or never will, therefore, my life can be dismissed as "regular" or "unspectacular" or "uninteresting". And if my life is that way, nothing of what I have to say is of value either. End of story.
Hmm...
Really? Do I really have to believe this?
I don't think so.
I may be boring TO HER... but what would I classify myself as? Let's see-- absolutely practical, reliable and stable. And not to mention pretty darned smart to have so much lined up after graudation. Let's take a look at my own personality-- I have a heart attack at the sight of a possibility of a bill being unpaid. I have a heart attack when it seems like I won't have a place to stay. Wanna know why I have these heart attacks? In my mind, I have very little cushion if I should fall-- yes, I have family, but my heart and self-pride won't let me depend on others when I should have been taking care of business all along. I understand extreme circumstances, but in everyday life, I'm depending on me. But really, I'm not into any of this "finding myself" crap as a full time job--- I can find myself on the side but I've gotta make sure the bills are paid. Maybe that's a lasting condition of the way I was raised or maybe that's how I conditioned myself--- either way, that's who I am.
And in order to stay true to who I am, I've gotta do what's comfortable for me.Or what I could have said to her to sum all of that all was : "Girl, don't hate because my net worth's 5 times yours. You know I'm a
negrita rica." (Mad props to a friend for planting the Spanish in my head).
Overall, that was the dilemma... I could have tried to argue to make it seem like I wasn't boring or even go out and do stupid shit to prove I wasn't... but that's to be like someone else and gain someone else's approval for them liking me. But I would have lost alot of myself in the process.
Grandma's right, as usual: everyone has insecurities... but really, how do we deal with them? How does Alicia deal with them? I guess she could have taken a world poll and see if people would like her more if she sang less of this or more that... but, that's not real. What I'm really guessing is that she puts all of her anger, her tears, her fears, what other people say about her, her own self-doubt, other's criticisms, her own criticisms and whatever else
in a box, puts it aside and pours herself into what she does best... and look what we've got... a Grammy winning, amazingly talented individual who just continues to shine despite whatever critisms that are out there.
I guess there's a lot I can learn from Miss Keys. Her poems of what she feels are her insecurities and inadequacies aren't just out there for nothing. We all have these feelings--- what really matters is what we do with them. We can let them take over our lives or we look at them as miniscule pieces of crap that they are and move on. I prefer the latter.
Don't It Always Seem to Go...
...That you don't know what you've till it's gone...?I "discovered" two new artists today... one was
Joni Mitchell. Wow... she's really really good!
On a whim, I bought her "Hits" CD yesterday. I don't know, something told me to go ahead and buy it and it'll probably be good. I really like it. Since I was cleaning up my apartment and listening to her at the same time, so all of the lyrics did not absorb in my head, but I have to say that her sound is awesome. No wonder why she's lasted so long throughout the years.
The other artist is
Amy Winehouse. She's a British singer and she has the jazziest voice I've heard on a young person in a long time. Almost a month ago, a friend of mine and I were watching a movie and a Joss Stone song came on. I told her that I really liked Joss Stone. She then told me that if I liked Joss Stone, I'd like this Amy Winehouse chick. My friend immediately burned Amy's CD. I have to say, it was really really good on first "hear".
Wow, where have I been??? Maybe listening to the same 10 MJ songs can do that too you (esp if the same 10 MJ songs are REALLY good!!!! Which they are!)
More to explore...
~...they paved paradise... put up a parking lotttttt~
The Beautiful Ones
Although I am a declared Michael Jackson fan, this Prince song is really really nice... definitely speaks to the
heart. I really like the version that Mariah Carey did (with Dru Hill) on her Butterfly Album... I don't know why, but this is totally an excellent poetic extrapolation of what happens when that cute guy or cute gal just ain't feeling you the way you want them to.... ah, c'est la vie, eh?
Baby, baby, babyWhat's it gonna be? Baby, baby, baby Is it him or is it me? Don't make me waste my time Don't make me lose my mind baby Baby, baby, baby Can't you stay with me tonight? Oh baby, baby, baby Don't my kisses please you right? You were so hard to find The beautiful ones, they hurt you Every time Paint a perfect picture Bring to life a vision in one's mind The beautiful ones (The beautiful ones) Always smash the picture Always every time If I told you baby That I was in love with you Oh Baby, baby, baby If we got married Would that be cool? You make me so confused The beautiful ones You always seems to lose
Ok...almost done
So this time like three days ago, I had like 3 pages of a 25 page research paper done. Well, it's all done and done... now I have this other paper which is like 6.5 pages that is due at 5pm today (Thursday). Outline is done and done just gotta put some words on some paper and it's all good.
As a roommate from a long time ago stated "It gets to the point to where it's not the quality that counts, it's the completion that matters...."
I'm TOTALLY at that stage now. The work has been done... now my fingers and brain are on automatic for at least 3 more hours.... I cannot wait until Saturday night..... get to sleep for forever. THANK GOODNESS!
Ramblings
This week is SO not looking good. I hate being a part-time grad right now. I have a research paper due on Wed and a final exam due Thursday and I start funky hours for a new position at work tomorrow (11 hour shifts). And I had to do a recovery for my computer a few days ago and Microsoft Word wasn't reinstalled so I have to work off of WordPad until I get to a computer that has Microsoft Word. I had to go to Grandma's house (which is really not a problem) but now I'm back and completely unmotivated. It's a gorgeous day outside and I just gotta get outside one last time. My neighbors just sold their apartment (which is really good for me because they totally sold for way more than what they bought it for... so that raises my apartment's value too, right? go, net worth!). But I thought I heard some new folks go in there and there were 2 kids under the age of 15 that went in. You know that means, a lot of noise. Well, at least in my new crazy hour schedule, I'll miss a good portion of the chaos most of the time. Oh, crazy hours, I cannot wait until the free days come. I get to get my hair done when NO ONE else is there, I can go to the bank when NO ONE else is there, I can go to the concerts that I've wanted to go to b/c couldn't b/c of class or overtime at work. Good gracious, I will definitely have a wonderful summer.
I just have to get through this week. Somebody please help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Singing with my cousin
Last weekend, I went to New York (Long Island) to visit my aunt and two little cousins. Overall, it was quite sad because this was the first time I have visited since my dearest Uncle Noel passed away at such a young age (47 years old) back in March. The house felt incomplete and it made me sad because my uncle would always say that whenever
I visited, the house was complete.
That first night I was there, there was a bit of a lull until I helped my aunt get her newly purchased iPod in order. My cousin Christopher saw mine and started fiddlin' around with it. He saw that I downloaded his Usher and Alicia Keys CDs and he was pretty thrilled about it. He then stuck one of the headphones in my ear and the other in his ear. He quickly clicked to the Usher and Alicia Duet "My Boo".
Chris: Stanli, you be Alicia and I'll be Usher.
Stanli: Ok, Chris, but I've gotta warn ya, I don't know all of the words.
Chris: It's ok.
So we proceed to sing the song and I realized that I barely know the song... as many times as I've HEARD it and suffered through it, I never really picked up Alicia's part (And Chris was really good!). I thought my cousin would be overly disappointed... instead, he laughed his heart out and chose another Usher song and we danced and sang to it--- eventually my other cousin, Alex, came into the room to see what all the ruckus was about and another good thing happened-- my aunt smiled at us as we were goofing off, dancing and singing. And as un-goofy as she is, she started to do a little jig. I think this was the highlight of the weekend considering the circumstances-- I didn't know singing (or mis-singing on my part) of an Usher song can make things a little more bearable, even for just a moment or two.
"Alternative" Music
Maybe it's just me but have I been ignoring completely a major component of contemporary music?
After taking that road trip the other day, I had the ability to listen to my coworker's music list on his iPod and compared it my own list. I thought I was pretty "diverse" in my choices, but I realized that I was more extreme than anything else: Everything MJ, a bunch of oldies but goodies, Everything Mariah Carey, Beyonce, Alicia, Usher.... and then you have EVERYTHING piano music.
My coworker, on the other hand, had a good bit of music from some groups I've NEVER heard of. But he's not a special case or anything--- there are tons of other people who listen to a whole bunch of other things by these groups that are unknown to me.
I looked up a slew of groups that are soon to play in the
Black Cat,
9:30 Club, and a few other clubs in DC. I barely heard of Erasure, I sort of recognize Ben Folds and that is about it.
Is this a world of music that I just have ignored? Is it really "alternative"?
I wouldn't be so quick to place bands as "alternative"... it insinuates that it's an alternative to the mainstream-- hip hop, r&b, etc... but I've been getting some good peeks at other folks' CDs and iPods lately... from my non-scientific experiement, it seems like these groups are far from alternative--- they seem to be the norm.
What have I been missing? Not much, some may say. A whole lot, a bunch of others may say. Personally, I think I really haven't given it a chance. I remember in high school not understanding why this girl really really liked Elton John. I mean, come on, this is Washington, DC, it's 70% black, I went to a 95% black high school and this Black girl liked Elton John. (But, as one can point out, look who's talking--- I REALLY was into Beethoven at the time. But for some reason, I thought I could talk). But my point is, I never really gave "alternative" music a thought unless it was poured waaay too much on MTV or VH1.
My freshman year of college, my neighbor was playing "Mirrorball" by Sarah McLaughlin. It seemed really cool so I went out and bought it. It is an AWESOME CD. I dont' think I would have sought it out otherwise. Just music I didn't listen to. But I sort of fell off of that wagon back in 2000... I think it's time for a reformation...
So, I think I might give some of these bands a try... I'll do it randomly-- I tend to like things I pick out randomly as there are no expectations.
9:30 club, here I come...
Embarrassing Moments (non-musical)
Just going through a moment of embarrassment--- I realized it could quickly turn into humor if I share it with other folks:
1. I was at a cheering competition that my younger cousin Ola participated in. When her team didn't win an award, I went over to comfort her, but tripped over the mat and pretty much fell on about 5 other grieving 6th graders. Definitely did not go over well with their mothers.
2. Trying to flirt with a guy while "Return of the Mac" was on. I'm still blushing at this. It was totally NOT mood music AT ALL.
3. Running for the bus as my wrap skirt unfolded and exposed a good portion of my lower body. Not cool.
4. Running for a train at Gallery-Place Chinatown... but ran down the "up" escalators... took me about 3 seconds to realize that it was the wrong set... not cool, either...
5. Accidently driving on the wrong side of the street in London and having people honk at me until I realized my actual place.
6. Giving a brief to a pretty important guy and forgetting what I was talking about for about 5 seconds.
7. Sending out an office-wide e-mail (which was meant for one person) stating that it was unlawful to go to
www.goats.com.
8. Mishearing a statement and laughing at the wrong time. (this has happened many a time)
9. Going to my hot African Studies professor to discuss a paper topic only to leave the meeting not remembering what topic was decided upon. The kicker was when I had to send a "follow up" e-mail.
10. As an RA, forgetting to take the beer from the kids that I just busted and wrote up.
11. While putting down some funky moves at a cool NYC club for a friend's b-day, I trip over my own feet. Thought I could play it off, but two people saw me. Not cool either.
12. Singing Beyonce's "Naughty Girl" while walking down the street when I thought no one was walking around me. I turn around and there's a guy standing right there, smiling (possibly laughing) at me belting "I'm feeling sex-xaaaaaaayy... I wanna hear you say my naaaaaame, boooyyy"... really embarrassing...
13. Laughing out loud at Spongebob Squarepants on the mini-TV while exercising at the WSC. It distracted the guy next to me and he almost lost his balance.
14. Suddenly laughing at loud in the subway at the phrase "Throw me a freakin' bone!" Several people around me were puzzled.
Oh, believe me, there's more...
